There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite, and start being honest.
‘The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.’ – Bill Watterson.
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me, it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of… it will be poor grammar, misspelled, no punctuations and may not make any sense at all.
Me, sobbing: “I’m not coming back here anymore … I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” My trainer: “It was one sit-up.”
As I get older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I’ve got nothing done today. I’ve been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
Turns out that being a ‘senior’ is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have some new ideas now.
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologises.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, three of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall and when it rang I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.