Anyone who has ever wandered into an office tearoom only to find the teaspoons have vanished is not imagining things – and Brisbane researchers say they now have the proof.
Scientists at the Translational Research Institute (TRI) have confirmed what workers everywhere have long suspected: teaspoons disappear from shared kitchens at a steady and unstoppable rate.
According to the tongue-in-cheek study, teaspoons are lost at a rate of precisely 2.58 teaspoons per person per 100 teaspoon years in communal workplaces – a figure that will surprise absolutely no one who drinks tea at work.
TRI chief executive Professor Maher Gandhi led the research, which he said was driven by a deep desire to finally “get to the truth” over the festive season.
“We threw everything at this,” Professor Gandhi said. “Microchipped stealth-spoons, five years of tracking, satellite imaging, outer-space AI and even inter-galactic rockets. Yes, we can handle the truth.”
The team drew on TRI’s world-class research capabilities, analysing everything from spatial transcriptomics to “choose your own adventure multi-omics”, while carefully engaging consumers – particularly tea drinkers.
“It’s teaspoons, after all,” Professor Gandhi said.
The findings ruled out “resistentialism”, the theory that inanimate objects are naturally hostile to humans, instead concluding that the spoons were being taken, against their will, to a distant galaxy in the far reaches of the universe.
Whether this constitutes evidence of intelligent life remains unclear.
“That’s beyond the limits of our study,” Professor Gandhi said. “But we strongly encourage further international research, ideally presented at overseas conferences in exotic locations.”
TRI confirmed no staff, spoons or aliens were harmed during the research, and knives and forks were treated kindly to avoid jealousy.
No teaspoon companies funded the study.
As the year winds down, TRI researchers want the community to know they not only save lives – they also have a sense of humour.
Happy holidays.
