Scotch and water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learnt how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”
A sticky situation
My wife had been at me for several weeks to re-varnish the fancy wooden seat on our toilet in the ensuite.
Finally, I got around to doing it one day while she was out shopping. After finishing, I went outside to take care of something else before she returned home.
The story is she came home, unpacked the shopping and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat down on the toilet. As she tried to stand up again, she realized that the not-quite-dry varnish had firmly attached her bottom to the toilet seat.
Just then I got home, heard her calling out and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled to try to release her but without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat so she could stand up and sort of hobble along. She wrapped a bath towel around herself and I drove a very embarrassed wife to the hospital emergency room.
The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of this!).
My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them but I’ve never seen one mounted and framed.”
Contributed by Sadsak